Whale Wisdom

The proper size to cut your food into, as well as the proper amount of food to put on your spoon/fork, is the largest amount of food that will fit into your mouth while allowing you to swallow without gagging.

If you have a choice between larger portions or lower price, you're in the wrong restaurant.

Customer Service

Wow. Can you hear the hurrahs bubbling up from all sides, people overcome with the joy brought by 5% off ther monthly bill. For average people like me, 5% is only about 85 cents, but for the big players on the 8 at a time plan, that could be $2.40. Imagine what we'll all do with that money. Who needs economic stimulus packages when you have Netflix to shell out these windfalls.

Netflatixtics

2008 to date: 49 discs = 16/month
2007: 142 discs = 12/month
2006: 144 discs = 12/month
Totals: 335 discs/27 months = 12.4/month = $1.50/DVD

Notes: Count is for individual DVDs. Activity conducted under a 3 at a time plan. Does not include Watch Now movies.

Analysis: Good consistency. Far cheaper than Blockbuster, with comparable selection. Cheaper and better selection than local Lamont Video. More expensive but with far superior selection than RedBox.

Conclusions: I'm a sick fuck.

the Harvard joke

Over the course of my life I have told exactly two kinds of jokes:

1. Jokes that shame me years after the telling
2. Jokes I have, thank God, managed to forget

Of the first kind, one has haunted me all week. It was maybe five years ago. I was for some reason at a sushi restaurant with three Harvard graduates: two were unemployed and hungover, and the third was a pornographer who was just beginning to get drunk. The conversation turned to an acquaintance of theirs, who apparently had some kind of a father complex.

"Like Mozart," I said.

"Yes," said the pornographer. "Exactly."

PSA - 9 Volt Batteries, Take 1

A gentleman just shy of thirty is sleeping in his bed, all is dark, all is quiet, the clock ticks from 2:34 to 2:35. Then a beep. And a pause. And another short shrill beep. The man stirs and starts and sits up. BEEP. Close up on the smoke detector and a blinking red light. It's low on batteries. The man gets out of bed and rummages through his drawers and closets, tossing AA batteries and BEEP even AAA batteries all over the place, and finally breaking down in the corner of the closet BEEP. Voice over begins: Nothing short of a nuclear bomb will stop that beeping. Nothing, that is, except a replacement 9 volt battery. And since no goddam thing except a smoke detector uses a 9 volt battery, you're not likely to have one around. So take care to get a spare 9 volt battery, because smoke detectors only run out of batteries in the middle of the night, and they don't take American Express.

He Fell Out with the Wife (an incident)

Story by A.P. Chekhov
Translation by Howl

“Damn you! I come home from work hungry, like a dog, but God knows what I’m being fed here! And you can’t criticize! You criticize, and now there’s howling, tears! Better to be thrice anathematized, than the thing you married!”
Having said this, the husband clanged his spoon against the plate, leapt up, and in a frenzy slammed the door. The wife began to sob, pressed a napkin to her face, and also went out. The dinner was over.
The husband went to his study, lay on the couch, and buried his face in a pillow.
—The devil compelled you to marry, he thought. Here is the good “family” life! I just got married, and already I want to shoot myself!
In a quarter hour, light footsteps were heard on the other side of the door.
—Yes, all is in order … She insulted me, she hurt me, but now she’s walking near the door, she wants to make up … Like hell! I’ll hang myself before I make up with her!
The door opened with a small creak and did not shut. Someone entered and with quiet, shy steps approached the couch.
—Okay, beg my forgiveness, implore me, weep, you’ll get nothing! Frozen hell! You won’t get another word from me, even if you die … I am sleeping here and I don’t feel like talking!
The husband buried his head more deeply into his pillow and softly snored. But men are weak things, just like women. They are easily wilted and withered.
Feeling a warm body against his back, the husband stubbornly withdrew to the far edge of the couch and pulled in his leg.
—Yes … Now here we cry, snuggle, grovel … Soon we will begin with kisses on the shoulder, we’ll drop to our knees. I can’t take this pussyfooting! … Nevertheless … it will be necessary to forgive her. For her, in her condition, it’s unhealthy to be upset. I will torture her a moment longer, then I’ll punish and forgive …
Over his ear, a deep sigh softly passed. After it, another, a third … The husband felt the touch of a little hand on his shoulder.
—Well, God bless her! I’ll forgive her for the last time. She’s had plenty of torment, the poor thing! Especially because it’s all my fault! From nonsense I made such a fuss …
“Well, that’s enough, my morsel!”
The husband stretched out his arm and embraced a warm body.
“Blech!!”
Beside him lay his big dog Dianka.

Wine Tasting Parties are Overrated

I went to a wine tasting party this Saturday night with Michelle. There were 2 rules:

1. Bring 2 bottles of wine per couple and a hunk of cheese
2. Bring your receipts

The hosts of the party divulged that the receipts would be used that night to play a game. The game entailed tasting each bottle of wine and then guessing which one was the most expensive.

At the end I picked a $2.99 bottle while Michelle picked a $3.99 bottle. The most expensive bottle was $59.99. All the more reason to drink cheap booze. It's all the same.

Q: What kind of chazer?

A: Any old chazer.

stormy Oliver

Here's another song comparison:

1) 1928's "West End Blues," written by King Oliver, here in its most famous Armstrong recording; after the fanfare, listen to the first half of the principal phrase.
2) 1933's "Stormy Weather," music by Harold Arlen, here sung by Ethel Waters; listen to the "Don't know why..."

Only half related, but look at Fats Waller's facial expressions here.