overheard at a holiday party

"Not to be crass, but if someone's got to fuck my daughter, it might as well be this guy."

in memory of Mr. Handsome

He was not a well-behaved dog.


He ate all he could, as well as many things he couldn't.



He was flatulent.


And like a certain ex-girlfriend, who shall here remain nameless, he required a lot of pills -- demanded not just "high maintenance," but constant vigilance.

And yet Korby was an important member of my family, a witness to and participant in almost every major event in my brother's life. My brother's happy engagement and even happier marriage -- his move from the "starter" house to the "settled" house -- the birth of my nephew -- our family's still-unfinished grieving after the death of my father -- "What about the dog," Korby's grandfather used to sing: "What about the dog, he saw it all!"

I take some comfort in the knowledge that Korby was a very lucky dog. It isn't just that he died from what he lived for -- overeating. It's that my brother and my sister-in-law rescued him from a shelter, from where few older dogs are ever adopted -- rescued him and then wrapped him in love for the rest of his life.

Though it is unlikely that my nephew will remember his first canine brother, he will grow up in the happy home that Korby helped to create. For that, Mr. Handsome, I thank you.

pizza to pizza

Yesterday some friends and I ate at the most famous pizza place in Manhattan. Then we ran to the most famous pizza place in Brooklyn, and we ate more pizza there. We're calling it Pizza to Pizza, and we hope you'll join us next time.

These days America needs hard facts, so take note:

1. Total running time: 17 minutes
2. Number of runners: four
3. Group consumption: one small pizza with anchovies, one large pizza with anchovies, one large calzone with mushrooms, six beers, one hot tea

America also needs hard questions, so:

• Is Pizza to Pizza the only run of world-historical importance which can actually cause you to gain weight?

Singles

I don't know if everyone is this way, but I always get a kick out of recognizing an an actor who has a real career now playing a bit part in an older movie. I watched a few minutes of Singles (1992) this morning and the guy who plays Mr. Pryzbylewski in The Wire (Jim True-Frost) has a forgettable but not tiny role, and Victor Garber, who was the Titanic's architect who went down with the ship in Titanic and was Jennifer Garner's father in Alias (why do I know that?), had a non speaking momentary role - with a mustache.

A few thoughts

Looking back, it's comforting to see how successful Hulk Hogan was even though he was seriously balding from the beginning.
There are a lot of ways people can screw you over. For example, the guy who replaced my watch battery could have put in a dud so I'd have to go back in 6 months. On the other hand, people frequently turn out to be upstanding and then some. I think the guy probably gave me a good battery.
As for shmooze or menucha, I think it was more like the shvitz.

Schmooze or menucha?

Was Howl's wedding more like schmooze or menucha?  I am still having trouble separating these two central analytic categories in my mind.  If it was menucha, then how come we didn't write any letters or take naps?  If it was schmooze, then how come we weren't allowed to head down to the waterfront?  It is all so confusing

Did you know?

I sat in the front row at Shaarey Zedek yestarday to celebrate the first day of Rosh Hashanah. Here are a few tidbits you may not know:

1. The conservative Jewish movement is dying. Conservative Judaism will probably not exist in 20 years.
2. D. Wagner no longer wears a hat
3. The cantor's daughter does not like it when her dad grabs her butt on the bimmah
4. D. Wallace is the President of the Synagogue
5. S.P. received an aleyah and read the torah yestarday
6. They brought the bimmah down to be at the same elevation level as the congregation